Monday, January 23, 2012

Invisible Messages

Ilchi Lee, author of Brain Wave Vibration: Getting Back Into the Rhythm of a Happy, Healthy Life says,

"Whether you know it or not, you produce messages all the time, sending them to yourself and to those around you. Sometimes the messages we send are adopted or modified from other people's messages and sometimes they are our own creation; but in the end it is our decision whether to pass them on to other people in our lives."

You probably can recall a time or two that you said something one of your parents used to say which made you feel small and unappreciated. You may have even thought "I sounded just like so-and-so.

Decide that you are moving in the direction of being a positive influence on others by catching yourself before you say something that is disempowering to family, friends, co-workers or people you encounter in public.

What phrases have you identified that you adopted from parents or other adults earlier in life?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Step Mom's Prerogative: Changing Your Mindset (All parents benefit)

Here are some key points I'd like to share from my interview with Paula Bisacre of radio show, part of the StepMom's Toolbox on Blogtalk radio.

Keypoints: Changing Your Mindset
  • Change is a process-and not an overnight process
  • Every time you make a change, there are more changes to make.
  • The further you go, the faster you grow.
  • The bulk of your thinking occurs "between your ears". That thinking is controlled by beliefs, some of which are unconscious.
  • The past is a part of who you are but it does not define you.
  • Disappoinment stems from specific expectations-when we define success or happiness by what happens or doesn't happen.
  • What is it that you really want-the end result- in a given situation?
  • Reflect on what is bothering you. What is that annoyance telling you about yourself?
  • The words you say aloud or to yourself are the keys to the results you get.
  • Who you spend time around influences how you see things. Choose carefully.
  • You reap what you sow: understanding, compassion, complaining, comparing and judgements.
  • Approach things with curiosity and not with predictions.
  • Seek a new perspective, consider new ideas and focus toward the future.
  • Too much control stunts everyone's growth.
  • Discuss issues without determining right/wrong. Listen only mode!
  • Children reflect back to you something you need to see in yourself. What is your lesson?
  • Three questions to ask when you are not satisfied (STUCK): what do I want, what do I value, how far away from that am I right now? This raises your awareness.
  • When you are waiting for something to change, change your perspective.

These key points are beneficial to all parents and can positively impact our children.

The interview aired on January 2,2012 and can be found here:Step Mom's Prerogative: Changing Your Mindset

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Influencing Change

Welcome to the portal to the where perspectives grow.

I am your host, Renee Canali, The Mindset Coach. My mission in life is to change your future one thought at a time.

One thought at a time? Are you serious?

Yes. I am serious. I have watched this, done this and experienced this exact thing throughout my life. And what I know is that when you change the perspective from which you see things, the things you are seeing seem to change.

Early in my life I would ponder comments adults around me were making about life:
  • Things are getting tough
  • Kids these days don't (fill in the blank)
  • I really should get a new job, but I need to stay for the retirement
  • It's hard to (fill in the blank)
I was told I was an idealist, a dreamer. I was elated! I didn't realize, thank God, that it was meant in a derogatory way. Those comments allowed me to perceive life the way I wanted to-without limits of socio-economic backgrounds, genetics, or political views. I never understood either/ or thinking.

I could see possibility in everything-like most children do. UNTIL-

Adults, in their desire to save children from the hardships they themselves endured, bestow upon children the gift of FEAR.

You are probably asking, "What the hell is she talking about?"

It is my belief that we absorb fear from those around us. We are taught fear by those who love us the most. We encounter fear in many of our experiences growing up. AND that fear does not originally come from inside ourselves.

As very young children, our parents, guardians, teachers and mentors must protect us from getting hit by cars, falling, endangering ourselves or others. We did not have a frame of reference by which to operate. Thankfully, there were people around us that helped us learn ways to protect ourselves and care for others.

However, in doing so, many adults unknowingly passed on guidance based on their fears. Watch a new mother with an infant learning to walk or crawl. Listen as they gasp at the possibility that the child might fall, bump their head or put something in their mouths. Notice that the child does not respond at first. After several repeated reactions from the mother, the child reacts with fear and starts to cry. They are unconsciously learning that there is something to fear about the activity they are engaged in.

As they grow more curious, parents add admonitions to their reactions a well. "Be Careful!" "You'll get hurt!" "You can't do that!" (Most of the time they already have done THAT).

Soon, those fears that are innocently transmitted become a guideline for future possibilities.

When a young child tries something new and hears, "You can't do that!", they DON'T. They slowly give up trying new things-or they are never happy with the results.

As a parent and grandparent, I see how I taught this to my children and am consciously practicing ways that encourage growth instead of stunting it.

One way I do this is by challenging myself to state things in the positive and not the negative. For example, instead of saying "Don't do that" I may say "Please do this". I focus on the desired outcome instead of focusing on undesirable behaviors or results.

This is a big lesson for adults. We can actually influence others by reaching for something better, more desirable ourselves. Focusing on what you want is the fastest way to getting what you want. If what you get isn't exactly what you wanted, you have experienced less of what you didn't want.